Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Seeking Peace, and leaving survival mode

    I sat down to my computer just before 4.  I told myself I was giving myself some "me" time, because I had tried to find some of that time all day long.  I hit the ground running today, as I do many, many days...  because I overslept.  I sit down in front of my computer, in front of my blog...  and I long for just a moment. 
   As I sit here, needlessly I see something that needs to be returned to the kitchen.  As I walk into the kitchen, I realize that the island is a mess, and the floor needs to be mopped.  After those things are finished I feel guilt that the hallway has not been swept, the shoes have not been organized in the shoe basket, and somehow the living room is a mess- again! 
   And now it's 5:18.  Just long enough to pen down a few words before I have to cook dinner.
     Where did my me time run away too?
    I fall into bed at night, exhausted, and my house is a disaster- and I think, have I done anything all day long besides clean
    Running..  cleaning...  never taking time for yourself....  It can only lead to one thing.
   Total and complete...
   And we are there! 
     Is anyone else there with me??

    What is your story?  Why did you click on this to read?  I'm assuming because you, also are seeking peace in your life.  Perhaps your life is a lot like mine...  four kiddos, homeschooling, lots of noise and things to clean.  Piles of laundry and sinks full of dishes and papers upon papers upon papers to grade.  Perhaps your story is a little different?  Perhaps you're a working Mom who comes home to a messy house and lots of homework and bath times and for the love.. another fundraiser?  Or perhaps you're even in a stage of life that doesn't include raising sweet little ones but you're dealing with lots and lots of noise going on in your life- lots of business, calls from the outside, and just- so much noise, so much busy! 

   A few months ago, I gave up on myself.  I sold myself out and decided I was just going to sacrifice myself on the alter of being a 'homemaker'.  I gave up on blogging.  I withdrew from my ministry classes online.  I wanted to step down from the ministry commitments that I had at church, and I even resigned my position as VBS director.  I had given up on myself.  I had decided that I didn't need to do anything but just clean my house and take care of my kids- and that was the end.
   Which was great in perspective, focusing on what was really important and prioritizing my family.  Yet then something happened.  I started resenting what I was doing.  I became bitter, and angry... and what I was doing was not effective.  
    Don't get me wrong.  I believe absolutely that my family is my top priority.  I don't believe there's anything wrong with cutting back on your obligations so that you can focus more on your family.  Yet I've learned through experience that taking away everything, that putting all of your gifts on the shelf is not the answer either.  God has blessed each of us with our own specific gifts that can minister to others, and to ourselves.  
   I didn't even realize I had became an angry Mom until I saw it coming out in my daughter.  The way that she spoke to her brothers...  it sounded so mean and heartless...  then the bitter truth arose.  She sounded just like me.  I had let myself become bitter and angry.  I had pushed myself away so much that anything I did for myself made me feel guilty, and the little pleasures that a Mom could have from raising her children were gone.  I was bitter.  I was angry, and I was wrung dry. 
   Over the next few weeks I really want to blog more often.  I want to share some things that I'm doing to help to find peace, find myself, and to get out of survival mode.  There's nothing good about survival mode, and I'm ready to hit the reset button.  I hope some of you will join me on this journey, and find peace and encouragement along the way!