Sunday, May 6, 2018

Diary of a Weight Loss Journey...

Dear Diary...

     This week I excitedly created something really fun on my blog!  I used my weekly weigh in and started a Weekly Weigh In Linky party!  I'm very excited about this!  So far I only have one person linking up, but still that one person is wonderful and making me very happy!!!  Yet, there's so much more to weight loss than the numbers on the scale.  There are so many victories that come from losing weight and becoming someone that you always wanted to be.  There's so much more growth that comes from actually stepping outside of yourself and conquering your insecurities, and doing something you never thought possible.  So I decided to start something new..
   The Diary of a weight loss journey.  
   Today will be my first diary entry, and I will enter other entries as well.  I want to talk about the other side of a weight loss journey that aren't on the scale.  I want to pour my heart out so others who are where I was before can understand and believe in themselves as well....
   So without further ado, here's my first Diary of a Weight Loss Journey entry!  

  It was October 2014.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  We had just moved into a new rental house, and we were packing away some things that belonged to the owner.  It was hilarious as my teenage daughter pulled out a corded phone, looked at it somewhat strangely and said, "Um, what is this?"  I was going through the things in the bathroom when I found a scale.   I hadn't weighed myself, probably since Sawyer was born a little over a year ago.   I took the scales out, and the batteries were dead.  I thought maybe this is a sign to keep me from being upset for the rest of the day...
  The next day, I went to the store and bought the batteries...  I went back home and popped them in. When I got on the scale, I was in shock. I began a blog, a private blog.. and in it I wrote this

  ... Last night, in a flood of tears, I tried to explain to my husband what it truly felt like to be overweight, and just talking about it broke my heart. There are just some things that are too painful to admit, too heavy to bear outwardly... because you can't realize just how broken it makes you feel inside.  He held me so tightly, so dearly and tenderly...  he kissed my forehead and told me how beautiful I was...  and I longed to see myself the way that he sees me.  
   It is something that I am aware of every minute, every second of every day. Its something that I think about before I go to bed at night, and the first thing I think about when I awake every morning. It consumes me entirely. It makes me feel like a failure. Its like wearing your failures outside of your body.
     I never like to go anywhere, because I don't want anyone to see my shame, the shame of so many failures. The shame of being unable to take care of myself. Its like everyone can see what I have done, how much I have hurt myself and just how far I have let myself go.. and I can't hide it from anyone. 
     It makes me feel inadequate of everything. I feel like I'm a bad Mom. I feel like I'm out of place with all of my slender family by my side. I feel like I stick out when I go shopping with my friends. I feel like everyone is looking at me, and my failures. It makes me self conscious and self centered all at the same time. 
    I wonder what it would feel like to wear a dress and feel beautiful. To go out with my husband on a date, and for him to be shocked when I walk into the room. To know what it felt like to go shopping and actually want to try on clothes. To feel comfortable in my own skin. To feel beautiful- because every woman should feel beautiful.. He is amazing, he has never for one second made me feel anything less than amazing or beautiful- but I do that to myself. I just wonder what it would feel like if I could see myself the way that he sees me sometimes.. and to be comfortable rather than sad. I wonder what all that would feel like? I don't really know- but the one thing I do know how it feels, is being overweight. It feels terrible.

   It really hurts me to see that.  It was a hard night, and I remember it very well.
   The next morning when I woke up, I decided I couldn't do that anymore.  The numbers on the scale very well did not define me, but in my head and heart they did.  I had never seen those numbers before, not even at the peak of all three of my pregnancies.  I had seen it coming..  I was dizzy often, my hands were tingling..  I knew my blood pressure was acting up again.  My youngest son was induced at 37 weeks because of preclampsia. I could feel myself feeling often what I felt those times I struggled with gestational diabetes.  I knew I was hurting myself.  I am over 30 years old..  and all of the things I've done, I've brought upon myself because of my lack of self-control.
   That morning, I went for a walk.  I cried the whole time.  I walked in the crisp, cool October air and cried.  I cried because I didn't think I could control myself.  I cried because I didn't want to be doing this.  I cried because it was hard, and I wanted to take the easy way out.  I cried because I was so broken, and it hurt..  SO much it hurt.  I cried..  but I walked.  I walked for thirty minutes, and then I sat on the porch swing outside of my house and cried for another ten minutes.  I cried, took a deep breath, went back inside my house, pulled myself together, took a shower and began school for the day, not allowing myself to dive back into self pity for the rest of the day.
   The next day when I walked, I didn't cry the whole time.  The third day, I realized I wasn't just crying, I was talking.  The forth day, I realized I wasn't just talking, I was praying.  My soul cried out to my creator, the one who could see me in a light I could never see myself.  The one who knew I was more than I ever knew that I was...  and the tears subsided..  and I didn't sit on the porch swing and cry..  I went back in my house, and the day was beautiful.
   One day I had a salad for lunch with sunflower seeds while my children had yummy chicken fries.  It was hard.  One day my Mom brought home a whole tray of fall cookies, and I only ate one.  One day I only had one bowl of cereal, and the next day I chose special k over cinnamon toast crunch.  One day I drank water when I wanted Coke...  and one day I didn't have ice cream while we were watching movies at night.
  One day I went to the gym.  As I walked in the doors I felt like I didn't belong there.  I dreaded going in there and feeling out of place...  I felt like the gym wasn't a place for heavy people (imagine that!) and I hated the fact that I had on a tshirt with bleach spots on it instead of those cute workout clothes that some other people had.  I felt out of place..  but I went anyway, and I worked out anyway, even though it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do.  And I didn't cry.  Not once that day.
  That one day, that one moment, that one decision..  they all added up to several days, and several moments, and several decisions.  Through lots of tears, and so many prayers, I've discovered so much about myself...  and I'm learning more each day.

  Although its been four years since that day, and I've had many hits and misses, many gains and losses, today I am 18 lbs smaller than I was on that October day.  To some, 18 lbs may seem like nothing to some people..  but to me it means the whole world.  Although that's been years and years ago, somehow I overcame something, and through the years, those days have turned into weeks, and those weeks into months, and those months into years...  and somehow over the course of three years, I've slowly..  very very slowly learned to take care of myself.  Those 18 lbs gave me a lot of self worth, and to get rid of them is to shake off the insecurities that plagued me with them.  Those 18 lbs came off with a lot of tears, a lot of struggle, and a lot of self-sacrifice.  It taught me so much, gave me so much, and proved to me that I could do this!

   I never intended to share this here.  I never wanted to seem so vulnerable so publicly.  Don't we all do that from time to time?  I won't tell people until I get to my goal weight, I won't tell people about weight loss, I'll just let them see the finished product and think I'm the epitome of self-discipline.

   I recall reading a book once about a person who was reshaping their life.  I was so excited about the book, but when I got the book I was so disappointed.  They shared their success without their vulnerabilities..  they shared their current state, how happy they were, how good it felt to be where they were in their life..  but I couldn't relate to that.  The first time I read the book began my first struggle with diet pills..  I lost 30 lbs in two months and became addicted.  The same bathroom floor I had spent sitting there reading that book while drying my hair I spent crying on when I felt addicted to something that was, in truth, a narcotic.  I gained back 40 in a month after stopping them, and never once did I feel the way the person in the book described feeling.

   I heard a clip of Beth Moore on the radio one day, and she said that it was so important to share our vulnerabilities, to share ourselves and our struggles, because nobody ever gained anything from hearing about someone else's perfections.  That inspired me to live out this journey on my blog.  I've shared a lot of things that were very personal to me, but not this.  This I've held tightly onto.  This I've hidden behind my back, pretending that nobody knew.  Hoping that nobody would notice I was overweight, praying that if they did, they thought I was okay with my self-image and happy the way that I was.  It's so much more than that though.  I have had health issues.  I have felt horrible.  I have not had the energy to play with my kids, not felt good enough to spend time with them.. but more than that, I've battled depression with every ounce of me.  It would be horrible to hide that from the world, because there is somebody out there who needs to hear that its normal to feel that way.  Its necessary that someone out there knows that its okay to want to change, and have no idea how to do so.  It's okay..  its possible..  and you know what's bigger than that???

  HE knows a you that you don't know.  HE knows a you that is so much bigger and greater than anything you can ever imagine.  He knows...  and if you ask him..  he will start to show you just how beautiful you are in His eyes..  and when he begins to reveal that to you.. although you'll never know until we meet Him just how incredible we are to Him...  you will begin to see yourself through a different lens, and to believe in yourself and your ability to change into someone You can love.

    You really can do anything that you set your mind to do.  You really can take this journey.  It may take months and it may take years.  And it's certainly going to change you in every way.  You can succeed, and you can feel the way you've always wanted to feel.  One step in front of the other, one day at a time, and celebrating each success, no matter how small.  It's a beautiful life, and one to be thankful of for sure!